This testimonial was given by Brad during the Annual State of the Church service in January 2005.

As I opened my car door to enter Open Door Community Church, I gave God an ultimatum. “This is it, God. Tell me you love me, or this will be the last time I come to a church to seek out Your presence.”

I had stumbled onto the church while browsing the internet for open houses and estate sales. As I read about the church, I was intrigued by a glimmer of spiritual hope that sparked in me. “You’ve been through this before,” I thought to myself as I read about the church, its pastor, and diverse congregation. I had set myself for disappointment before and had finally decided that God had given up on me and was no where to be found.

As the son of a Pentecostal preacher, I had loved everything about church, especially the music and singing praises to the Lord. Before I was able to see above the top of the pulpit, I was singing solos in front of the church and loved the sweet spirit I felt as I sang about a God that cared enough for me that he would let his own son die. I couldn’t visualize my father letting me die a death of innocence, so, knowing God did that for me filled me with amazement even at such a young age.

As I became aware of the fact that I was not attracted to girls like my other young male friends and that it was my young male counterparts that sparked my desire, I took notice of the negative standpoint that the church and my parents especially had toward homosexuality. I didn’t even know what homosexuality was since it was never discussed in any light other than “that sin that God would destroy a person for committing.” It was the church that gave me my first definition of homosexuality, and the negative way my parents presented it scarred my young, gay, Christian heart. As I grew into my teenage years, I continued to look forward to church, but not with the exact same exuberance. Now, I felt as if I couldn’t give everything to God. There was a part of me I was afraid he would reject much like my natural father had rejected.

Instead, I led praise and worship with such extreme longing. I loved to sing the praises of the Lord, but I also longed to share all of myself with him instead of hiding a Pandora’s Box of shame that I had so neatly tucked away into a private corner of my heart. The church could never know! I knew that my secret would destroy my ministry, my father’s image, and cause them to not love me due to my “abomination.” Even as I became active in Teen Ministry and became one of the youngest licensed ministers in my denomination’s history, I felt that, even though I ministered to others, there was a part of myself that felt dry, dead, and in need of ministering. As I would hear phrases like: “I really feel the Spirit of God when you sing” and “It was like you were speaking directly to me” I would secretly wonder when I would be ministered to fully. When would my heart be completely whole?

As a young collegiate, I had enough of the façade that I was presenting to others. I shared my secret desires with my parents, the church, and all those that I thought would be there to support and minister to me. You can imagine my surprise when it was just the opposite. My ministry, minister’s license, church family and even my natural family all seemed to become isolated from me as they were scared off by my “sickness.” Not welcome in my parent’s home, excommunicated from all those I cared for, and emotionally destroyed, I moved to college, and sought a church to repair the damage that was done. Instead, expectation after expectation turned to disaster as church after church would fail to accept me once I decided to open fully to the church. Finally, I decided that God had forgotten me. He was done with me and it was over. Like a used dish rag I was thrown to the side and discarded. For seven years I would never step foot in the door of a church unless it they had hired me as a soloist due to the fact that I had attained a BA in Music-Vocal Performance in college.

With my ultimatum of hearing an affirmation of love, I entered the door of Open Door Community Church. From the very start of worship, I felt a sweet and familiar Spirit filling the church. My doubts where there as well as I reminded myself of times past when the glimmer of hope was presented only to be snatched away at the exact moment I opened to the congregation. The music continued to draw me into the Spirit of the Lord as I began to sing out songs that I had sang many times before to praise the Lord. His Presence was filling me and covering much like a warm blanket after coming in from the cold. This all culminated with the sermon that Bro. Randy began to preach. My soul stirred as he mentioned that the Spirit had directed him to change what he was going to preach about and speak of the Lord’s Grace instead. Bro. Randy made the statement, “I don’t know who, but I’m saying this to someone.” I knew exactly to whom he was speaking and tears began to flow as he spoke the words, “You’ve tried to run from God, but God loves you.” The rest of the sermon was affirmation after affirmation of God’s love for me and I felt my soul stir and breathe a sigh of relief that it was trying to experience all of my life. By the end of the sermon I was a vessel broken before the Lord, years of pain and hurt was eroded away by the waves of Spirit that overcame me. Such was the brokenness that, when Bro. Randy called for those who raised their hands saying they needed to know that God loved them, I was unable to move to go forward even though I had lifted my trembling hand to the heavens. I was reminded of the Scriptures that spoke of prayers that could only come out as groaning as I could not even speak the words as I gave my heart totally over to a Father that loved me for all that I am.

One of the members wrapped her arms around me as I sat as a vessel of water broken with its contents spilling out. My Pandora’s Box was finally unlatched and, to my amazement, God’s love continued to wash over me as I allowed God to have even my sexuality. I left the service doing what I could never do before: love myself as God loved me. Even at work the next day, my office staff made comments about something being different. It is, I am now able to love myself and grow daily in the Father’s love.

The experience at Open Door that Sunday on October the 10th of 2004 is and will remain the most memorable spiritual experience of my life. Though I was at one time a minister myself, I now feel as a lamb trying its legs for the first time. I still try to remember that I serve a God of Love as opposed to the God of Judgment and Punishment that I had been raised to know. However, I feel confident on my journey knowing that God loves me, yes, even my sexuality, and that Bro. Randy and Open Door Community Church will be there to help me each step of the way.

Finally, I now feel the same exuberance as I look forward to Sunday when I can once again be with a congregation of believers worshipping the Lord. I had given up on God, but He had not given up on me. I will be eternally thankful for Bro. Randy and Open Door for being willing vessels to show me this. I now pray that God will use me yet again, but this time as a vessel broken before him, yet stronger than the vessel I was before.