When I was just a boy, I knew I had feelings that were different than most. And when I became a young man, feelings turned into burning desires. Years passed with loneliness and depression in my soul. I hid it well. No one else could feel the same way I did - - - or could he? Evenings were the worst - - - Home alone. Eat alone. Sleep alone. Time passed - days, weeks, years - and the desire grew stronger. Every day was a manhunt. Literally. But would I ever really come out? Decisions were now just a matter of time. Rejection was the ultimate fear. For years I heard "the Lord works in miraculous ways". His way. His time. One day, when I reached out for a friend - I found one reaching back. Rainy days seemed brighter now with a strong hand to hold on to. Do you know how much I love and appreciate you? I do. I really do. Love, Darren
I’ve known all my life that I was different. Why would a person choose to go against the grain and choose to be a homosexual? I’m gay, no doubt about it, but I can’t answer that particular question simply because I personally didn’t "choose" to be gay. I was made that way. It is my opinion that God makes no mistakes. I may not understand why he choose me to be gay, but I pledge to make a difference on earth with the short amount of time that I have here, regardless of my sexual orientation.
It’s been a fight and struggle to try to fit into this cookie cutter mold that society has created. I should like girls. I should get married and have 2.5 children that can carry on my family name. I could force myself to fit that mold , I did try. But I just wasn’t happy. Is life here on earth really about living to make others happy when deep inside your soul you are the most unhappy person in the world? No.
There were two major events in history that made me stop and think about my life on earth: New Years Eve of the new millennium 2000 and the September 11th tragedy. New Years Eve of 2000 rolled around and I had no one to kiss at the stroke of midnight. I’m a sappy romantic, I’ll admit it, but this just confirmed that I had not found the real me yet. I was surrounded by friends and family that night, but felt most alone at the same time.
September 11th was emotional for me as it was for many in the USA. I was touched by the media coverage of heroes calling home for the last time to say goodbye to the love of their life, knowing they were about to die. Someone at work asked the question that week, "Who would you call if you were on that plane?" I had no one to call and say I love you and goodbye to other than my parents and sister.
I was sliding deeper into depression and finally told myself that I had to do what was right for me. I knew in my heart that I was gay and that God chose my sexual orientation for a reason. I guess you can say this was the point that I came out of the closet to myself. I choose to step up to the plate and listen to my heart. I started testing the water by chatting on line with other gay men. This is how I met Wayne in 2001. We chatted for a while prior to meeting in person. Our first face to face meeting was at Shotgun Dan’s in Sherwood. Months followed and our friendship turned into a more serious relationship. Wow! finally at the age of 31, I was, for the first time in my life, happy.
I couldn’t stand the thought of my parents being told by some Searcy busy body that I was romantically seeing a man, so I went to their house and told them myself before anyone else could. It was the hardest thing that I’ve ever done. I was ready for the worst, but hoping for anything better than the worst. I knew that they could totally reject me and cut off all communication with me. But I had faith. I’ve got great parents who love me regardless.
My parents have come a long way. They kept inviting Wayne and I to come back to my home church. I was a member of the Baptist church and have heard many times "God condemns homosexuality." I sure don’t want to cause my family any pain, so after confiding confidentially with a deacon friend, I decided to remove my name from the church role. As I told the deacon, my name was written in a book in Heaven with the blood of Christ and that no one could remove my name from that Book. That’s really all that mattered. Wayne and I both grew up in church, but after we didn’t feel welcome to worship at our church, Wayne and I went about a year without attending church. I felt like a part of me was un-complete. The love that only a church home can provide was missing.
A couple of friends told us about Open Door Community Church in Sherwood, so we visited for the first time on Mother’s Day 2003. I don’t think that we’ve missed a Sunday since our first visit. God is alive in this church and His love will touch you on your first visit. Finally I have found a church home where I can truly worship with my partner, my love, "just as I am." If you feel like an orphan without a church family, please give us one try at Open Door. The name says it all because you’ll see arms open wide greeting you home.
Thanks, Darren Sanderson, 8/19/2003
I wrote this to my best friend: