This story is a testimony told by Jerry Wood, a gay father and member of Open Door Community Church. Jerry lives in North Little Rock, Arkansas with his partner Trenell.

I was raised a Baptist. While my family was not the overly religious type of family and we did not attend church on a regular basis, I was taught about God and was encouraged to attend church.

I knew from a very early age that I was gay, even when I didn't know exactly what it meant. So church was difficult for me when I heard sermons that would denounce homosexuals and other groups of people for either their behaviors or just for who they were. This was when I first began to believe that I was doomed. I was always taught that "what the Bible says is the absolute truth" and that whatever the minister said was the "absolute interpretation" of the Bible. This scared me to death, because I believed I would be condemned to Hell because I was attracted to males.

That also began the period of isolation that would eventually engulf me and almost cost me my life. The very community that I would hope would provide guidance, fellowship, and love would in fact turn against me as a terrible sinner if they knew the truth. I couldn't dare tell anyone in my family or any of my friends what I was feeling. And if you can't talk to a minister, then who can you talk to?

So in time I began to believe that I was simply a sinner who could repent and be saved. I privately prayed constantly for God to take away the feelings I had, but I also began to question why God would make me this way. I never made a choice to be gay, no more than I chose to be white or have brown eyes. In my early teens I made a decision that I would immerse myself into the church and hope that would change me. I began to do volunteer work for the church, and became very active in Sunday School activities and choir and all other church activities. And at one point I felt truly touched by God and felt that he did love me and that I should accept him and I did. I was saved and baptized.

But not long after that, I began to rebel against the church, as I became more of an independent thinker. I began to realize that my faith in God was getting stronger, but my appreciation of the church was slipping. I can distinctly remember sermons or sunday school lessons in which prejudical slurs, bases on race and sexual orientation were used, and I can remember hearing that "God hates homosexuality and no homosexual can gain entry into the Kingdom of Heaven because he has denounced God." I remember thinking how arrogant it was for a man to presume to know what God's intentions are. And I very much remember thinking that I did not believe God was capable of making mistakes, and I did not choose to be the way I was, so it had to be God's choice. So how could I be condemned? I began to be disillusioned with religion and began to rethink what faith was and what it meant to me. In time, I would completely renounce the church, at least to myself, shortly after hearing yet another sermon where racial slurs were used. That confirmed my suspicions. I began to believe that the church was man's institution subect to all of man's prejudices. And it destroyed my respect for the pastor, who I suppose I believed was incapable of such prejudices. Faith is God's institution and can only exist between each individual person and God.

For the next twenty-five plus years I never attended church on a regular basis again. I instead kept my faith in God a private matter. But the "damage" was done. I still found it hard to shake the feeling that I was somehow immoral and sinful for being who I was. That feeling of immorality was so strong it kept me closeted until I was over 30 years old. And I never allowed myself to act upon my sexuality. I struggled with the issue my whole life and grew increasingly more depressed with life, more lonely, and feeling that I would never experience the joys of true love and happiness the way other "normal" people did.

And then the doubts began. I began to wonder if God does make mistakes. Could I be a mistake? Was I supposed to suffer through life because God created me wrong? Was I supposed to denounce my very own identity to correct God's error? Was there even a God? Those doubts and my unhappiness with life would lead me several times down a road of depression to a point where I simply did not want to live. But I always found a reason to live. My children provided me with motivation to go on. And then I think I began to receive answers to my prayers. Deep down in my heart, I knew that God exists. He may not be the God you envision, but He exists. And I know that the only mistake was that I let people tell me what God thinks. I should have been listening to Him and not them. I know that God has a plan for all of us, and I may have been challenged a little more than others by being given a soul that is not quite the "norm." But everything about me, everything that is me, is because it's the way God directed it. I'm not a mistake. I'm exactly what God had in mind. I just wish that someone in a church could validate that belief. My challenge was to live up to God's plan for me. My unhappiness was not God's fault. And I firmly believe that it's because of Him that I was able to finally accept who I was and be happy with myself. I now have come to understand that God exists in our hearts. Faith is simply believing in that existence and knowing that there is a higher power at work in our lives. Faith gives us the ability to endure even the hardest events in our lives.

I endured the hard decisions that I had to make. I had to own up to my identity and divorce my wife. I had to give up living under the same roof with my children. I had to trust my family and friends to love me regardless of who or what I am. That endurance is due to faith, and the belief that I am finally living up to God's plan and making Him happy to acknowledge His creation.

I no longer believe in denominational religions and I no longer believe that the Bible should be interpreted literally verbatim. I believe that a certain perspective has to be maintained regarding the time the Bible was written in relation to the time now, and yet I also believe that the true messages of the Bible are very important to us. I do believe that fellowship among believers is also good and important, and so I could never summarily dismiss churches. But I do think the only true church is the simple faith that exists in each of us with our God. Today I feel totally reconciled with God and my faith fully restored. I consider myself a Christian in the sense that there is no other word I can think of that would express to others that I believe in God. I believe in the power of prayer and communication with God, and I have learned that He doesn't always give you the answer you wanted, but he always gives you an answer, if you truly listen. And I've learned that to truly make God happy, we must be happy with ourselves and rejoice in the fact that we are exactly who God wanted us to be.

On Mother's Day of 2002, shortly after my diagnosis with HIV, I decided to visit, along with my mother, a church that I had been invited to many times over many years by a dear friend of mine. The church is Open Door Community Church in Sherwood, Arkansas, and it's a non-denominational church where gay and straight folks can worship together in an affirming atmosphere in which the love of God is celebrated. The experience was incredible. The most profound thing that happened that day was when Sheryl Myers, a mother of a gay son, stood up and gave the morning's sermon, during which she gave me my wish of so long ago. She confirmed, from a pulpit, that God did not make mistakes, and that I, as a gay Christian, was not a mistake! After decades of refusing to attend a church, I had finally found a church home! It was something I needed in my life and it has already resulted in so many blessings.

Finally I have been able to reconcile my faith and my church with my identity of who I am.