Don’t give up on God! He hasn’t given up on you!
My family was always a very tight nit family. My Dad was originally ordained in the 1960’s as a Baptist minister. In the late 1980’s, Mom and Dad both went and got their ordination from a non-denominational church here in central Arkansas. It should suffice to say that, if the church doors were open, we were all there; no matter what day it was.
When I was growing up, I felt an attraction toward other guys. Like most of you, I kept trying to ignore it, trying to hide it, hoping these feelings would just go away. I felt that it was wrong to have these feelings. All the condemning things we hear from the church convinced me of that. I dated girls, but before it got too serious, I would find some excuse to run away. Some how I managed to survive through all this internal frustration. On the inside feeling one way, and knowing that the outside world had there own certain expectations of me.
While in the military, I very seldom went to church. I occasionally dated girls, but the feelings toward guys were still there, still frustrating me. I continued to suppress them. I even had one co-worker say: “ I swear you’re gay. I never see you with any girls, you don’t date anyone, you never talk about being with girls”. I just smiled, chuckled … “No, not me. I just haven’t found that right one yet”. Looking back, I remember two people I worked near, that I now realize, were gay. I so wish I had the courage to talk to them. Maybe they would have helped ease some of my frustration and questions and at least give me someone I could talk openly to. But, at the time, I felt I had no one.
I decided not to re-enlist again and move back near home. After all these years of frustration and horrible thoughts, I came to the conclusion that I could go through life in denial and be miserable or I could try to be myself.
I started trying to meet people to talk to on the Internet. Instead, someone found me! (Darren) He too, was raised in a Christian home. His father is a Deacon at a Baptist Church in his hometown. We could definitely relate to each other. We talked for a while and eventually met in person. We started to spend more and more time together, yet never telling either of our parents about each other. We decided to wait and come out to our parents on the same day. So I started researching. Knowing full well what was going to happen when I told them. I had a job and didn’t have to rely on them financially. I knew deep down inside that the worst thing that could happen was that I could lose my parents forever. I had made it this far and somehow I could manage to move on with my life.
In December of 2001, I broke my parents hearts. Followed up by two weeks of silence; no contact what so ever. I thought that I had certainly lost the two people I had cherished most in my life. When the communications started again, my worst fears were brought to the forefront of my attention. I got the typical scriptures thrown at me and was told that I was slapping God in the face. Thirty minutes that seemed like hours. My parents told me that they still loved me, but I thought certainly that it would never be the same. How could it?
As time passed, our relationship began to mesh back together. Though I was still apprehensive about to what degree that relationship could ever reach. As time went on, Darren and I found a gay affirming church in North Little Rock. But it just wasn’t what we were looking for. More time passed and on Mothers Day of 2003, Darren and I visited Open Door Community Church for the first time. After our first visit, I was so excited. There IS a church where ALL of God’s children are welcome! I so badly wanted my parents to come and see that there too is a place in God's master plan for each and every one of His children. I thought that with all the religious education they have behind them, if Open Door Community Church was real, they would be able tell. But, at the same time, I knew their religious background would not allow them to fully accept the church.
Eventually they both came and visited the church. Still putting back together the pieces of their broken heart, they felt something at Open Door that was almost foreign. They had felt it before, but it had been such a long time, and this was different. They thought, could this be real, could this really be happening? Just the fact that they agreed to come to church with us meant more to me than you could ever imagine.
Months went by, the communication between my parents and I was pretty much “back to normal”. At that time (about 2-1/2 yrs later) I wasn't sure if my parent’s position was acceptance (the action or process of being received as adequate or suitable, typically to be admitted into a group) or tolerance (the ability or willingness to tolerate something, in particular the existence of opinions or behavior that one does not necessarily agree with). There is a substantial difference in the two terms, but I was willing to accept the fact that tolerance may be all they could offer. If it meant having my parents back in my life, I would take it.
Deep down inside I always dreamed of the day that they may come to make Open Door their home church but knew that they had their own spiritual needs that needed to be met as well. My parents don’t like to just attend church; they like to be involved in the church. And unfortunately, Open Door didn't have anything to offer them at the time other than God’s unconditional Love and grace. I spoke to Pastor Randy about how I wished my parents would come to Open Door. He too agreed. But reassured me that God has a plan for everyone and if it is meant to be, it will happen, but in God's time, not mine.
Mom commented once (after their pastor had spoken to Pastor Randy) that if need be, they would leave their home church. I had my hopes, but knew that didn't mean you would come to Open Door. Then there was another issue that came up at their home church, the straw that broke the camels back. I again thought...is it time now God? Mom and Dad said they would come visit now and then but didn't feel it was where they were meant to be.
Now, with their broken hearts mended back together, God had made a place for them and opened the door. Pastor Randy was looking for Care Team Leaders. Could this be it, a new beginning, and a new chapter in our life with Christ? I waited anxiously, would they walk through that door or pass it by? Whatever the outcome, I would respect their decision.
It has been almost two years since Mom and Dad made Open Door their home church. We all love it just as much now as we did the first day we visited.
Every child strives or at least deeply yearns to be accepted, not just tolerated.
God has a plan for YOU; listen to Him, follow Him. After all, He led you to this web site.
Don’t give up on God! He hasn’t given up on you!
This testimonial is from Wayne Tedford, a member of Open Door Community Church.